A little something

I want to cut into my flesh

I want to peel off my skin

to reveal what lays within

I want to embrace the darkness 

that pools in my veins

I want to scratch off the scab in my brains

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I am longing for a better state of mind

But apparently I am trying not hard enough

That is what the therapist said this morning

I am trying as hard as I can

Am I really that weak that not even the therapist can see my effort?

There are 100 steps I can take

and I take 101 every day I go to bed and am still alive

Maybe one day I will take 102 or 115 steps or even 130

Every day I go out and hang out among people

Every time  I call an office

I challenge my fears

All things I like have me facing my fears

All the festivals, larps, dark nights, travelling and many other things

They are all outside. In the light of brutality, the light of the world I fear.

Is that not facing my fears?

I do my best

I promise

I know I hang out in bed a lot and people seem to think therefore I am lazy

and maybe I am 

But never is there a day when I do not try my best not to freak the fuck out

Had I given up 

I would be dead !!