Good Day Bad Night

I am breaking down right now

I had a good day. I got 1/3 or maybe even half of what I wanted to do done.

Now that I go to bed I break down.
I cry water and snot, wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I am panicking so hard over how I am unable to finish my applications for my masters degree,
I feel like a this huge pile of disappointment.
Good for nothing.

But I don't wanna be that.
I wanna strife.

I try to hard to work myself through the chaos of the application process.
Which probably might not be so hard for other people or is it? I don't know what normal is?
Everytime I try I break down. It is too much for me.

I know that it is perfectly ok to just focus on my last three finals now. Then apply for a job then go get my masters degree a year later.
But something in my does not want to accept that. It hates me for failing. I hate me for failing.

The something tells me that I am such a nothing, that my parents and everyone for that matter think that I am a mistake , a failure , a good for nothing.

I started college when I was 19. Month I am turning 25 and I not finished yet.
I feel like puking when I think about it.

My constant fear and panic make me fail and as a result of that I fail again and again and again.

I wonder if there really is a way out of this.


I am still so beat about what my therapist said. I am already so beat about what any other person might say about my costant failing, I can not even begin to calm down.


I wanna live. I wanna live big.
But I fear that one day one of these break downs will kill me.

Guessing Game

Lovable

Beautiful

Caring

Understanding

Intelligent

Patient

Tasteful

Calm 

Humble

A truly Gentle Soul !

A little something

I want to cut into my flesh

I want to peel off my skin

to reveal what lays within

I want to embrace the darkness 

that pools in my veins

I want to scratch off the scab in my brains

------------------------------------------------------

I am longing for a better state of mind

But apparently I am trying not hard enough

That is what the therapist said this morning

I am trying as hard as I can

Am I really that weak that not even the therapist can see my effort?

There are 100 steps I can take

and I take 101 every day I go to bed and am still alive

Maybe one day I will take 102 or 115 steps or even 130

Every day I go out and hang out among people

Every time  I call an office

I challenge my fears

All things I like have me facing my fears

All the festivals, larps, dark nights, travelling and many other things

They are all outside. In the light of brutality, the light of the world I fear.

Is that not facing my fears?

I do my best

I promise

I know I hang out in bed a lot and people seem to think therefore I am lazy

and maybe I am 

But never is there a day when I do not try my best not to freak the fuck out

Had I given up 

I would be dead !!

still here

The black marks on my stomach weirdly spread all over the place and give me an odd yellow tint.

I am going back to sleep.

I am crying water and blood

my nerves are completely destroyed
i have a massive headache, fearing my brain will be exposed at any second
my body aches with pain, i am bruised black and blue
i can't breathe
i can't think

i can't sleep or be awake

the one person who promised to be there for me always and always just said this:
         I don't know what to say. you never do what I tell you anyways.


oh thank god you told me that. now of course i am gonna keep calm when you tell me to and not let people bother me. An epiphany!! An fucking epiphany!!

I know it's hard to deal with me. I fucking know it and it hurts me.
But I rarely contact anyone when I freak the fuck out, when I am at my lowest, when I think I just can't live past this very second.

I am so fucking tempted to go gather all the meds I have left and take them all at once.
Anything to make this stop!!

Update

Just got back from Berlin - Bremen - Leipzig - Berlin again and a LARP before all that.

I am tired and I am not willing to sit in a bus again for a long time. 

I had a LOT of fun, met a whole bunch of my favourite humans, 

but I also had panic attacks as usual. 

As I was walking through Berlin I really just couldn't handle seeing people. I took this photo through the gates. I was so tempted to just climb over it and sit in silence for a moment, but I didn't. Ended up just walking around some more and taking the train back to my friends place.

Travel thoughts

I like travelling though I am scared out of my mind
I like seeing new places to fall in love with, new places my heart will forever long for after I leave
I like being around people all the time even though it exhausts me, it tires me and it wears me out

Meeting people like minded
People who understand
People I will from now on always care for in my heart