the unreal struggle I go through

I keep telling people that everything is at least twice as exhausting for me than it is for other people
they shrug it off with a smile
when in fact it is true

Here a uhm 'little' list of things that are often so hard for me I just don't do it:

Getting out of bed:

Yeah but that is hard for everyone. No! I am not talking about "I just wanna sleep a little longer. I am so tired". I am talking about waking up and feeling so overwhelmed with reality that I really wanna go back to whatever nightmare I just had. I wake up and I am already scared, life is already to much for me  and I am already ready to die.

Getting a normal amount of sleep:

I roll around all night until the point of believing that I will never fall asleep ever again, meanwhile panic and fear is building up. My thoughts go round and round. I am scared to death. In fact the thought of dying is the only thing that is soothing at that point.

When I actually fall asleep I sleep, as before mentioned, very long. I had times I was so done with life that I had several hour long naps during the day. I missed all my appointments, classes everything by my extreme need to sleep because sleeping was the only thing I could actually deal with.

Classes:

Lectures, classes anything normal people hate it. I can't handle it. As long as I can remember I have been getting physically sick to the stomach my my intense fear of going to my classes. Even right now, while I tell people that I am better, I still don't go. I go to one mandatory thing a week. I break down before, hardly keep myself from breaking down completely while there, break down completely right after at the closest bathroom.

Doing my work for those classes, studying brings a whole new level of breakdowns along. I can't even describe it right now, since I am already crying while writing this.

There was a time that I was only horribly scared beforehand and while going in, once there I would be kind of ok, still freaking scared but ok. I could talk to people, smile and even have fun while being extremely insecure about myself. I miss those times.

Chores:

This includes everything from doing laundry to grocery shopping. If I wasn't living with my grandma and she didn't depend on me taking her grocery shopping, I would only go out if I was starving to death or someone would drag me. My laundry, even at this moment,  piles up in my room until I really don't have anything wearable left.  There will be unpaid bills, unanswered emails, unanswered calls. Today my ex boss called twice already and I have been sitting there staring at my phone unable to answer it.

I really wish there was someone to hold my hand at all times because I really can't handle anything on my own.

I will try to finish this list on a different day. Right now I am sobbing to much.

I swear I do my best each and every day to do my daily chores and I swear I will try again when I stop crying later.  

But it is hard, it is really hard. Especially since I don't know what normal feels like. I don't know what it is like to just function because I had this all my life, I never got a break and it only got worse so far.

Good night!