Update

Got new additions to my rune family

No it's not supposed to be a word ;)

I AM BACK IN THERAPY

I could not live without it yet.

Weight is 72,2 kg. Losing weight is a fight! 

Wonder if I will ever fit back into my massive amount of clothes that I am not yet willing to give away.

Other than that, we are close to final season here which steals my sleep and my nerves even more. 

I am already passed my attacks today, hopefully. 

the unreal struggle I go through

I keep telling people that everything is at least twice as exhausting for me than it is for other people
they shrug it off with a smile
when in fact it is true

Here a uhm 'little' list of things that are often so hard for me I just don't do it:

Getting out of bed:

Yeah but that is hard for everyone. No! I am not talking about "I just wanna sleep a little longer. I am so tired". I am talking about waking up and feeling so overwhelmed with reality that I really wanna go back to whatever nightmare I just had. I wake up and I am already scared, life is already to much for me  and I am already ready to die.

Getting a normal amount of sleep:

I roll around all night until the point of believing that I will never fall asleep ever again, meanwhile panic and fear is building up. My thoughts go round and round. I am scared to death. In fact the thought of dying is the only thing that is soothing at that point.

When I actually fall asleep I sleep, as before mentioned, very long. I had times I was so done with life that I had several hour long naps during the day. I missed all my appointments, classes everything by my extreme need to sleep because sleeping was the only thing I could actually deal with.

Classes:

Lectures, classes anything normal people hate it. I can't handle it. As long as I can remember I have been getting physically sick to the stomach my my intense fear of going to my classes. Even right now, while I tell people that I am better, I still don't go. I go to one mandatory thing a week. I break down before, hardly keep myself from breaking down completely while there, break down completely right after at the closest bathroom.

Doing my work for those classes, studying brings a whole new level of breakdowns along. I can't even describe it right now, since I am already crying while writing this.

There was a time that I was only horribly scared beforehand and while going in, once there I would be kind of ok, still freaking scared but ok. I could talk to people, smile and even have fun while being extremely insecure about myself. I miss those times.

Chores:

This includes everything from doing laundry to grocery shopping. If I wasn't living with my grandma and she didn't depend on me taking her grocery shopping, I would only go out if I was starving to death or someone would drag me. My laundry, even at this moment,  piles up in my room until I really don't have anything wearable left.  There will be unpaid bills, unanswered emails, unanswered calls. Today my ex boss called twice already and I have been sitting there staring at my phone unable to answer it.

I really wish there was someone to hold my hand at all times because I really can't handle anything on my own.

I will try to finish this list on a different day. Right now I am sobbing to much.

I swear I do my best each and every day to do my daily chores and I swear I will try again when I stop crying later.  

But it is hard, it is really hard. Especially since I don't know what normal feels like. I don't know what it is like to just function because I had this all my life, I never got a break and it only got worse so far.

Good night!

something to relate to

My Biggest Bully

The world is cruel

People have been real mean to me

Horrible I might say

Still in the end

I am my biggest bully

I struggle to come to terms with it

It is true though

Everything people told me, the way they treated me

I learned from it 

In a very, very bad way

I became them

I told myself I could not do it because I am different

I told myself I that I am not depressed but rather a lazy piece of shit

I told myself that I am as worthless as they say

Every time depression tightened it's grasp and I had no one to turn to but myself

A part of me turned into this bully telling me

To suck it up because I am a weak whiny bitch and I got nothing cry over since it's all my fault anyway

I am already struggling with depression

Why is there this part of me bringing me down even more?

At night when I wake up and feel the fear and panic creeping up on me

I catch myself doing it again

Telling myself : Shhhh shut up. Not now. I don't wanna hear about it. Man up now you little sissy!

It's like putting an accelerant on my already raging flames of hell

I need to be good to myself

I am the only constant in my life

I am the only one who will always be there

I cannot treat myself so poorly

or it will get worse

And I have already been there

So I try to remind myself

that I am worthy

I am a good person

I am likable

and I deserve to be treated well 

It's still hard

This won't just go away

I will have to struggle with this the rest of my life

Just because I am better now and off my medication and off therapy 

( at least for now, I feel that I need more) does not mean that I am cured now

There is no cure for depression

It is damn hard so even function in the most basic sense

It is even damn harder to battle it

Everyday it takes everything I have to get my chores done

It still break down and cry in the university bathrooms

I still break down and cry while out and about with friends 

It takes me at least twice as long to finish something .. anything

And it takes at least twice the strength to do so

I wish People would see the effort I put in to just barely appear normal

I wish I had black marks all over so people would actually see that I am sick

I am not weak. I am strong.

But I am sick and not giving in to that takes it all

Update

Got my septum pierced. Love it!

I am doing good so far.

Tried out working at a cafe, which was fun but I really don't like working with that many people.

Sensory overload. Experience gained none the less.

Trying to finish up my bachelor thesis now. Only about 15 more pages left. :D

Also today I weighed 73,6 kg. 

78 kg being my max. 60 kg my goal.

Still shocks me sometimes that the antidepressants made me gain 18 kg within a year.

Depression vs Depression

So this might be a bit longer. I try to keep it short.

When I was about 13, maybe even younger, it became like a battle who would feel the worst, who had it the hardest. We had this one friedn that always really really openly talked about how shit her life was and how much troubles she was in etc.. We just all thought it was ridiculous and attention seeking. It was kinda `trend` to be depressive but you were also shamed as being an attention whore. It seemed like everyone around me who was 'someone' in a group had this super tough story of how miserable they were.
My so called best friend always talked so much shit about the other friend and that other friend was always so occupied telling everyone and I mean everyone, even people we just met, her story, that I just did not tell anyone.

I have been miserable my whole life. I hated myself for being different. And I told myself I was an ass for doing so. 
I told myself that I was not depressed, instead I was weak and my time would come stuff like that. I actually joined in and made fun of my depressed friend. I hated her for getting the attention, because I needed it too. I too needed random people to tell me that they would look out for me. I silently shamed her for dropping out of everything, to just keep it together and do excellent in academics. But I did that because that was what I did. I effing sucked it up und aced everything, even though at the end of the day I would break down in my room and cry like there was no tomorrow.

My heart beats too fast because I am constantly scared of everything. I was even scared just to wait at a bus stop, almost had a break down every morning entering my school, even meeting up with friends was darn exhauting. I constantly forced myself to do things I was scared of too so no one would notice. Sometimes I just went out for a few hours, just so I was there. Just so I could pretend I was part of something. 

There will probably be a whole nother chapter on friendships.

I was 20 when I first told someone, the boyfriend at the time, that I was depressive. I took everything I got and it took him less than a second to make fun of me. That broke me even more and I wasn't sure there were still pieces big enough to break. Turns out those pieces would still get grinded up later on.
21 when I first really talked about getting therapy with a flatmate back then. 
Almost 23 when I broke down so bad, no chance of going back. 
Finally admitted to a clinic. 

So anyways I tottally drifted off topic now. What I really wanted to talk about was the whole issue about back then everyone was shaming each other for being an attention whore. Everyone saying they were in fact much worse of.  And people basically telling me I had no right to be depressed.

You are not a attention whore for not keeping it in.
Only you decide who to tell and who not to tell about your story.
STOP freaking battling your depression. You can't measure suffering. 
You don't suffer less because you tell or don't tell people.


And foremost : you have the right to suffer no matter what
your feelings are legit no matter what other people tell you