Thoughts

So it is 2 am, I am sitting in my boyfriends living room.
Crying, questioning everything. He is asleep upstairs.

Nothing makes sense.
I don't want to spend my life trying to become happy.
In fact I don't see why I would wanna live.

It seems like everyone is just floating around, waiting till they die.
Occasional amusements.
I don't see why I would want to do it.

Update

Got new additions to my rune family

No it's not supposed to be a word ;)

I AM BACK IN THERAPY

I could not live without it yet.

Weight is 72,2 kg. Losing weight is a fight! 

Wonder if I will ever fit back into my massive amount of clothes that I am not yet willing to give away.

Other than that, we are close to final season here which steals my sleep and my nerves even more. 

I am already passed my attacks today, hopefully. 

the unreal struggle I go through

I keep telling people that everything is at least twice as exhausting for me than it is for other people
they shrug it off with a smile
when in fact it is true

Here a uhm 'little' list of things that are often so hard for me I just don't do it:

Getting out of bed:

Yeah but that is hard for everyone. No! I am not talking about "I just wanna sleep a little longer. I am so tired". I am talking about waking up and feeling so overwhelmed with reality that I really wanna go back to whatever nightmare I just had. I wake up and I am already scared, life is already to much for me  and I am already ready to die.

Getting a normal amount of sleep:

I roll around all night until the point of believing that I will never fall asleep ever again, meanwhile panic and fear is building up. My thoughts go round and round. I am scared to death. In fact the thought of dying is the only thing that is soothing at that point.

When I actually fall asleep I sleep, as before mentioned, very long. I had times I was so done with life that I had several hour long naps during the day. I missed all my appointments, classes everything by my extreme need to sleep because sleeping was the only thing I could actually deal with.

Classes:

Lectures, classes anything normal people hate it. I can't handle it. As long as I can remember I have been getting physically sick to the stomach my my intense fear of going to my classes. Even right now, while I tell people that I am better, I still don't go. I go to one mandatory thing a week. I break down before, hardly keep myself from breaking down completely while there, break down completely right after at the closest bathroom.

Doing my work for those classes, studying brings a whole new level of breakdowns along. I can't even describe it right now, since I am already crying while writing this.

There was a time that I was only horribly scared beforehand and while going in, once there I would be kind of ok, still freaking scared but ok. I could talk to people, smile and even have fun while being extremely insecure about myself. I miss those times.

Chores:

This includes everything from doing laundry to grocery shopping. If I wasn't living with my grandma and she didn't depend on me taking her grocery shopping, I would only go out if I was starving to death or someone would drag me. My laundry, even at this moment,  piles up in my room until I really don't have anything wearable left.  There will be unpaid bills, unanswered emails, unanswered calls. Today my ex boss called twice already and I have been sitting there staring at my phone unable to answer it.

I really wish there was someone to hold my hand at all times because I really can't handle anything on my own.

I will try to finish this list on a different day. Right now I am sobbing to much.

I swear I do my best each and every day to do my daily chores and I swear I will try again when I stop crying later.  

But it is hard, it is really hard. Especially since I don't know what normal feels like. I don't know what it is like to just function because I had this all my life, I never got a break and it only got worse so far.

Good night!

something to relate to

My Biggest Bully

The world is cruel

People have been real mean to me

Horrible I might say

Still in the end

I am my biggest bully

I struggle to come to terms with it

It is true though

Everything people told me, the way they treated me

I learned from it 

In a very, very bad way

I became them

I told myself I could not do it because I am different

I told myself I that I am not depressed but rather a lazy piece of shit

I told myself that I am as worthless as they say

Every time depression tightened it's grasp and I had no one to turn to but myself

A part of me turned into this bully telling me

To suck it up because I am a weak whiny bitch and I got nothing cry over since it's all my fault anyway

I am already struggling with depression

Why is there this part of me bringing me down even more?

At night when I wake up and feel the fear and panic creeping up on me

I catch myself doing it again

Telling myself : Shhhh shut up. Not now. I don't wanna hear about it. Man up now you little sissy!

It's like putting an accelerant on my already raging flames of hell

I need to be good to myself

I am the only constant in my life

I am the only one who will always be there

I cannot treat myself so poorly

or it will get worse

And I have already been there

So I try to remind myself

that I am worthy

I am a good person

I am likable

and I deserve to be treated well 

It's still hard

This won't just go away

I will have to struggle with this the rest of my life

Just because I am better now and off my medication and off therapy 

( at least for now, I feel that I need more) does not mean that I am cured now

There is no cure for depression

It is damn hard so even function in the most basic sense

It is even damn harder to battle it

Everyday it takes everything I have to get my chores done

It still break down and cry in the university bathrooms

I still break down and cry while out and about with friends 

It takes me at least twice as long to finish something .. anything

And it takes at least twice the strength to do so

I wish People would see the effort I put in to just barely appear normal

I wish I had black marks all over so people would actually see that I am sick

I am not weak. I am strong.

But I am sick and not giving in to that takes it all