the face of my depression

Ever wanted to see it?

Here it is!

This was August 2013 a.k.a. the worst year of the depression, 

about a month before I was admitted to the clinic.

A friend asked me to take a picture of the new pink hair for him but at that point I was already to weak to keep on pretending. Couldn't even manage to smile there for a second. I wonder how I even dyed my hair that day. I was just sobbing and shaking, trying to keep it quiet so my grandma wouldn't hear how miserable I was. 

My eyes are tearing up just thinking about the pain I felt and my heart is broken.

 I am scared it will come back, full on I mean. 

Initials W W

I feel like you really just love once in your life
I know I am young but nonetheless I think I already did

People told me that I would get over it
I had countless more or less meaningless relationships
Some of which I was really heart broken over
But never have I have spent a day not thinking about the one

It's been 10 years since I first met him last year
And 9 years since we have been together now
8 years since I last saw him.
7 since we last spoke.

I have now idea what he is like now. 
No idea what he looks like, if he even is anything like the guy he was back then
Or if he is even still alive

But I can honestly say
I am still in love

I still cry on occasion

I still feel like it's all been a huge mistake, wishing that we one day will meet again.


There is still a picture of him in my room. I take it with me whenever I move.

I know this is stupid. Can't change it. It is weird to love someone that I haven't seen in that long of a time. I can't exactly explain it. I just feel like I know exactly what and who he is now. this is gonna sound real cheesy now but from the first moment I ever laid eyes on him he always was a precise picture of everything I ever wanted.

God damn. Now I really hope that still no one is reading my blog. *sigh*

I write so I don't cry

I should not have to quick to say that I am all good.
I am not.

It came crawling back in the past days.
Didn't wanna see people but I was ok.
Then I felt lonely.
Then this weird harrassmet shit on the autobahn happened yesterday.
I have been so, so upset about it. 

Today I broke down. 
I really try to keep it together but I just can't. 
Actually now I can breathe a little better.

It's just all to much for me. 
Why can't I do it' Why can't I function normally.

I would just love to be able to get out of bed and get my stuff done.

Instead I break down everytime it's really important that I am able to handle a normal schedule.

It breaks me even more.

Now that I am sitting here crying, trying to calm myself down, I already have the next thing on my mind. Gotta juggle being a mess, doing my assignment that's due on thursday, go to work and finish my thesis. How will I ever be able to finish anything when I am always such a mess.

I hate myself right now and I know I shouln't cuz it makes it worse. I should treat myself right. Love myself, because I am the only constant in my life. How can I love myself when I fail at the easiest tasks?

I will try to do the assignment for my class now. 

Antidepressants

Fluoxetin – no more

Opipramol – no more

I finally stopped taking them about 2 weeks ago. It was about damn time too.

My weight gain already went up to almost 18 kg (ca. 40 lbs). I feel fat though people tell me that I am still not. One of my friends keeps telling me that at this weight I look healthier than ever. I can hardly keep myself from accusing him of lying. The stretch marks really bother me too.

But the worst thing is: none of my pants fit me no more. Shopping for new pants is a pain in the ass, literally.

Hopefully it will be all gone soon.

So far I feel fine. I feel like I am finally being ‘healthy’. Still have panic attacks and I am scared of most human interactions but way less than before. I’d say it’s gone down to a normal level. What ever a normal level is

.

When I used to think about how out of control I was when I entered the clinic late 2013 and how horrible I was the whole year and in reoccurring periods all my life before that, I got sick to the stomach. But now I have the impression that I got over it, that it will never be as bad as it was. Gosh, I hope I am right.

At this point I wish I would have written down more about my journey. Oh well I guess you can’t expect too much from someone suffering from depression.

Let’s see if I will experience any withdrawal symptoms. For now it’s all good!

My Plastic Surgery Story

So I always was made fun of for my crocked nose. I hated it. I did. 

I broke it in 5th grade playing basketball. Before that it was probably ok, but I don't really remember. It turned all blue and green. Grandma wanted to make me go to a doctor but I refused.

Anyways I always wished for the bump on my nose to disappear. 

Later I broke it again at a concert. I was 16 at that time. Didn't really notice that too much in the beginning cuz 2 days later I got my wisdom teeth removed and took painkillers for a week. After I stopped taking them I was like shit my nose still hurts.

At that time I had already started doing weird things to cover it up. Like if I would see someone I thought was cute I would kinda hold my hand over my nose pretending I was in deep thoughts or something. I would also try to always face people directly so they would see my nose from the side. That was when you could really tell I had broken it.

I basically looked like a witch and the other kids would let me know that all the time. I was bullied for my nose in 5 schools in 3 different countries. It made me really really self conscious and I did not have much confidence before I broke it the first time. 

Oh and what better thing could happen than breaking it again? Yes, I broke it again.

This time is was worse. While training for larp I got hit by an arrow from the side and I just felt my whole nose shift to the right. I fell down bleeding and crying. I cried not because of the pain, breaking a nose does'nt hurt all that much, but because I knew I would now look even worse. I took it really hard. 

So I had 2 surgeries to fix it. The first one they just popped it right back in where it belonged. But two days later I accidently hit myself in the face while turning myself around in the sleeping bag. Totally my fault should not have gone to a larp that soon after. It ended up looking worse than ever. I hated it. SO MUCH.

A few month later I went to a plastic surgeon to see if I could get it fixed. Luckily my breathing also got affected by the right shifting of my nose, so my insurance covered the surgery and I only had to pay 500 extra for the bump being shaved off.

I was furious about my friend breaking my nose and being a douche about it too,

but that was my chance for my nose to finally look nice again.

The second surgery, the big surgery was painful. Recovery was a bitch. Couldn't breathe through my nose for over 2 weeks and I looked like I just lost a boxing match. Also it didn't feel right for over a year.  Even now 2 years later it feels a little weird when the sun shines on it.

I LOVE MY NEW NOSE

It doesn't look perfect. But it finally is straight. 

All my weird behaviour just stopped. I no longer get bullied for it. I no longer look in the mirrow and hate myself.

I still have things about myself it don't like and I wanna get fixed. The nose was the worst though.

Sadly I don't have any before pictures because I never let anyone photograph me from the side.