still here

The black marks on my stomach weirdly spread all over the place and give me an odd yellow tint.

I am going back to sleep.

I am crying water and blood

my nerves are completely destroyed
i have a massive headache, fearing my brain will be exposed at any second
my body aches with pain, i am bruised black and blue
i can't breathe
i can't think

i can't sleep or be awake

the one person who promised to be there for me always and always just said this:
         I don't know what to say. you never do what I tell you anyways.


oh thank god you told me that. now of course i am gonna keep calm when you tell me to and not let people bother me. An epiphany!! An fucking epiphany!!

I know it's hard to deal with me. I fucking know it and it hurts me.
But I rarely contact anyone when I freak the fuck out, when I am at my lowest, when I think I just can't live past this very second.

I am so fucking tempted to go gather all the meds I have left and take them all at once.
Anything to make this stop!!

Update

Just got back from Berlin - Bremen - Leipzig - Berlin again and a LARP before all that.

I am tired and I am not willing to sit in a bus again for a long time. 

I had a LOT of fun, met a whole bunch of my favourite humans, 

but I also had panic attacks as usual. 

As I was walking through Berlin I really just couldn't handle seeing people. I took this photo through the gates. I was so tempted to just climb over it and sit in silence for a moment, but I didn't. Ended up just walking around some more and taking the train back to my friends place.

Travel thoughts

I like travelling though I am scared out of my mind
I like seeing new places to fall in love with, new places my heart will forever long for after I leave
I like being around people all the time even though it exhausts me, it tires me and it wears me out

Meeting people like minded
People who understand
People I will from now on always care for in my heart

Driving

Sometimes when I drive somewhere my thoughts spiral downwards
I cry so hard I can hardly control myself
I keep looking for a place to stop and calm down for a moment
but I seem to miss every opportunity
then just moments before I arrive I usually manage to stop, dry my tears
and I only need a minute or two put on a fake smile and go in greet people in a happy fashion

It hurts so bad

This happened again yesterday while people where congratulating me all over the place for passing my bachelor thesis.

Thoughts

So it is 2 am, I am sitting in my boyfriends living room.
Crying, questioning everything. He is asleep upstairs.

Nothing makes sense.
I don't want to spend my life trying to become happy.
In fact I don't see why I would wanna live.

It seems like everyone is just floating around, waiting till they die.
Occasional amusements.
I don't see why I would want to do it.

Update

Got new additions to my rune family

No it's not supposed to be a word ;)

I AM BACK IN THERAPY

I could not live without it yet.

Weight is 72,2 kg. Losing weight is a fight! 

Wonder if I will ever fit back into my massive amount of clothes that I am not yet willing to give away.

Other than that, we are close to final season here which steals my sleep and my nerves even more. 

I am already passed my attacks today, hopefully. 

the unreal struggle I go through

I keep telling people that everything is at least twice as exhausting for me than it is for other people
they shrug it off with a smile
when in fact it is true

Here a uhm 'little' list of things that are often so hard for me I just don't do it:

Getting out of bed:

Yeah but that is hard for everyone. No! I am not talking about "I just wanna sleep a little longer. I am so tired". I am talking about waking up and feeling so overwhelmed with reality that I really wanna go back to whatever nightmare I just had. I wake up and I am already scared, life is already to much for me  and I am already ready to die.

Getting a normal amount of sleep:

I roll around all night until the point of believing that I will never fall asleep ever again, meanwhile panic and fear is building up. My thoughts go round and round. I am scared to death. In fact the thought of dying is the only thing that is soothing at that point.

When I actually fall asleep I sleep, as before mentioned, very long. I had times I was so done with life that I had several hour long naps during the day. I missed all my appointments, classes everything by my extreme need to sleep because sleeping was the only thing I could actually deal with.

Classes:

Lectures, classes anything normal people hate it. I can't handle it. As long as I can remember I have been getting physically sick to the stomach my my intense fear of going to my classes. Even right now, while I tell people that I am better, I still don't go. I go to one mandatory thing a week. I break down before, hardly keep myself from breaking down completely while there, break down completely right after at the closest bathroom.

Doing my work for those classes, studying brings a whole new level of breakdowns along. I can't even describe it right now, since I am already crying while writing this.

There was a time that I was only horribly scared beforehand and while going in, once there I would be kind of ok, still freaking scared but ok. I could talk to people, smile and even have fun while being extremely insecure about myself. I miss those times.

Chores:

This includes everything from doing laundry to grocery shopping. If I wasn't living with my grandma and she didn't depend on me taking her grocery shopping, I would only go out if I was starving to death or someone would drag me. My laundry, even at this moment,  piles up in my room until I really don't have anything wearable left.  There will be unpaid bills, unanswered emails, unanswered calls. Today my ex boss called twice already and I have been sitting there staring at my phone unable to answer it.

I really wish there was someone to hold my hand at all times because I really can't handle anything on my own.

I will try to finish this list on a different day. Right now I am sobbing to much.

I swear I do my best each and every day to do my daily chores and I swear I will try again when I stop crying later.  

But it is hard, it is really hard. Especially since I don't know what normal feels like. I don't know what it is like to just function because I had this all my life, I never got a break and it only got worse so far.

Good night!

something to relate to

My Biggest Bully

The world is cruel

People have been real mean to me

Horrible I might say

Still in the end

I am my biggest bully

I struggle to come to terms with it

It is true though

Everything people told me, the way they treated me

I learned from it 

In a very, very bad way

I became them

I told myself I could not do it because I am different

I told myself I that I am not depressed but rather a lazy piece of shit

I told myself that I am as worthless as they say

Every time depression tightened it's grasp and I had no one to turn to but myself

A part of me turned into this bully telling me

To suck it up because I am a weak whiny bitch and I got nothing cry over since it's all my fault anyway

I am already struggling with depression

Why is there this part of me bringing me down even more?

At night when I wake up and feel the fear and panic creeping up on me

I catch myself doing it again

Telling myself : Shhhh shut up. Not now. I don't wanna hear about it. Man up now you little sissy!

It's like putting an accelerant on my already raging flames of hell

I need to be good to myself

I am the only constant in my life

I am the only one who will always be there

I cannot treat myself so poorly

or it will get worse

And I have already been there

So I try to remind myself

that I am worthy

I am a good person

I am likable

and I deserve to be treated well 

It's still hard

This won't just go away

I will have to struggle with this the rest of my life

Just because I am better now and off my medication and off therapy 

( at least for now, I feel that I need more) does not mean that I am cured now

There is no cure for depression

It is damn hard so even function in the most basic sense

It is even damn harder to battle it

Everyday it takes everything I have to get my chores done

It still break down and cry in the university bathrooms

I still break down and cry while out and about with friends 

It takes me at least twice as long to finish something .. anything

And it takes at least twice the strength to do so

I wish People would see the effort I put in to just barely appear normal

I wish I had black marks all over so people would actually see that I am sick

I am not weak. I am strong.

But I am sick and not giving in to that takes it all

Update

Got my septum pierced. Love it!

I am doing good so far.

Tried out working at a cafe, which was fun but I really don't like working with that many people.

Sensory overload. Experience gained none the less.

Trying to finish up my bachelor thesis now. Only about 15 more pages left. :D

Also today I weighed 73,6 kg. 

78 kg being my max. 60 kg my goal.

Still shocks me sometimes that the antidepressants made me gain 18 kg within a year.

Depression vs Depression

So this might be a bit longer. I try to keep it short.

When I was about 13, maybe even younger, it became like a battle who would feel the worst, who had it the hardest. We had this one friedn that always really really openly talked about how shit her life was and how much troubles she was in etc.. We just all thought it was ridiculous and attention seeking. It was kinda `trend` to be depressive but you were also shamed as being an attention whore. It seemed like everyone around me who was 'someone' in a group had this super tough story of how miserable they were.
My so called best friend always talked so much shit about the other friend and that other friend was always so occupied telling everyone and I mean everyone, even people we just met, her story, that I just did not tell anyone.

I have been miserable my whole life. I hated myself for being different. And I told myself I was an ass for doing so. 
I told myself that I was not depressed, instead I was weak and my time would come stuff like that. I actually joined in and made fun of my depressed friend. I hated her for getting the attention, because I needed it too. I too needed random people to tell me that they would look out for me. I silently shamed her for dropping out of everything, to just keep it together and do excellent in academics. But I did that because that was what I did. I effing sucked it up und aced everything, even though at the end of the day I would break down in my room and cry like there was no tomorrow.

My heart beats too fast because I am constantly scared of everything. I was even scared just to wait at a bus stop, almost had a break down every morning entering my school, even meeting up with friends was darn exhauting. I constantly forced myself to do things I was scared of too so no one would notice. Sometimes I just went out for a few hours, just so I was there. Just so I could pretend I was part of something. 

There will probably be a whole nother chapter on friendships.

I was 20 when I first told someone, the boyfriend at the time, that I was depressive. I took everything I got and it took him less than a second to make fun of me. That broke me even more and I wasn't sure there were still pieces big enough to break. Turns out those pieces would still get grinded up later on.
21 when I first really talked about getting therapy with a flatmate back then. 
Almost 23 when I broke down so bad, no chance of going back. 
Finally admitted to a clinic. 

So anyways I tottally drifted off topic now. What I really wanted to talk about was the whole issue about back then everyone was shaming each other for being an attention whore. Everyone saying they were in fact much worse of.  And people basically telling me I had no right to be depressed.

You are not a attention whore for not keeping it in.
Only you decide who to tell and who not to tell about your story.
STOP freaking battling your depression. You can't measure suffering. 
You don't suffer less because you tell or don't tell people.


And foremost : you have the right to suffer no matter what
your feelings are legit no matter what other people tell you

the face of my depression

Ever wanted to see it?

Here it is!

This was August 2013 a.k.a. the worst year of the depression, 

about a month before I was admitted to the clinic.

A friend asked me to take a picture of the new pink hair for him but at that point I was already to weak to keep on pretending. Couldn't even manage to smile there for a second. I wonder how I even dyed my hair that day. I was just sobbing and shaking, trying to keep it quiet so my grandma wouldn't hear how miserable I was. 

My eyes are tearing up just thinking about the pain I felt and my heart is broken.

 I am scared it will come back, full on I mean. 

Initials W W

I feel like you really just love once in your life
I know I am young but nonetheless I think I already did

People told me that I would get over it
I had countless more or less meaningless relationships
Some of which I was really heart broken over
But never have I have spent a day not thinking about the one

It's been 10 years since I first met him last year
And 9 years since we have been together now
8 years since I last saw him.
7 since we last spoke.

I have now idea what he is like now. 
No idea what he looks like, if he even is anything like the guy he was back then
Or if he is even still alive

But I can honestly say
I am still in love

I still cry on occasion

I still feel like it's all been a huge mistake, wishing that we one day will meet again.


There is still a picture of him in my room. I take it with me whenever I move.

I know this is stupid. Can't change it. It is weird to love someone that I haven't seen in that long of a time. I can't exactly explain it. I just feel like I know exactly what and who he is now. this is gonna sound real cheesy now but from the first moment I ever laid eyes on him he always was a precise picture of everything I ever wanted.

God damn. Now I really hope that still no one is reading my blog. *sigh*

I write so I don't cry

I should not have to quick to say that I am all good.
I am not.

It came crawling back in the past days.
Didn't wanna see people but I was ok.
Then I felt lonely.
Then this weird harrassmet shit on the autobahn happened yesterday.
I have been so, so upset about it. 

Today I broke down. 
I really try to keep it together but I just can't. 
Actually now I can breathe a little better.

It's just all to much for me. 
Why can't I do it' Why can't I function normally.

I would just love to be able to get out of bed and get my stuff done.

Instead I break down everytime it's really important that I am able to handle a normal schedule.

It breaks me even more.

Now that I am sitting here crying, trying to calm myself down, I already have the next thing on my mind. Gotta juggle being a mess, doing my assignment that's due on thursday, go to work and finish my thesis. How will I ever be able to finish anything when I am always such a mess.

I hate myself right now and I know I shouln't cuz it makes it worse. I should treat myself right. Love myself, because I am the only constant in my life. How can I love myself when I fail at the easiest tasks?

I will try to do the assignment for my class now. 

Antidepressants

Fluoxetin – no more

Opipramol – no more

I finally stopped taking them about 2 weeks ago. It was about damn time too.

My weight gain already went up to almost 18 kg (ca. 40 lbs). I feel fat though people tell me that I am still not. One of my friends keeps telling me that at this weight I look healthier than ever. I can hardly keep myself from accusing him of lying. The stretch marks really bother me too.

But the worst thing is: none of my pants fit me no more. Shopping for new pants is a pain in the ass, literally.

Hopefully it will be all gone soon.

So far I feel fine. I feel like I am finally being ‘healthy’. Still have panic attacks and I am scared of most human interactions but way less than before. I’d say it’s gone down to a normal level. What ever a normal level is

.

When I used to think about how out of control I was when I entered the clinic late 2013 and how horrible I was the whole year and in reoccurring periods all my life before that, I got sick to the stomach. But now I have the impression that I got over it, that it will never be as bad as it was. Gosh, I hope I am right.

At this point I wish I would have written down more about my journey. Oh well I guess you can’t expect too much from someone suffering from depression.

Let’s see if I will experience any withdrawal symptoms. For now it’s all good!

My Plastic Surgery Story

So I always was made fun of for my crocked nose. I hated it. I did. 

I broke it in 5th grade playing basketball. Before that it was probably ok, but I don't really remember. It turned all blue and green. Grandma wanted to make me go to a doctor but I refused.

Anyways I always wished for the bump on my nose to disappear. 

Later I broke it again at a concert. I was 16 at that time. Didn't really notice that too much in the beginning cuz 2 days later I got my wisdom teeth removed and took painkillers for a week. After I stopped taking them I was like shit my nose still hurts.

At that time I had already started doing weird things to cover it up. Like if I would see someone I thought was cute I would kinda hold my hand over my nose pretending I was in deep thoughts or something. I would also try to always face people directly so they would see my nose from the side. That was when you could really tell I had broken it.

I basically looked like a witch and the other kids would let me know that all the time. I was bullied for my nose in 5 schools in 3 different countries. It made me really really self conscious and I did not have much confidence before I broke it the first time. 

Oh and what better thing could happen than breaking it again? Yes, I broke it again.

This time is was worse. While training for larp I got hit by an arrow from the side and I just felt my whole nose shift to the right. I fell down bleeding and crying. I cried not because of the pain, breaking a nose does'nt hurt all that much, but because I knew I would now look even worse. I took it really hard. 

So I had 2 surgeries to fix it. The first one they just popped it right back in where it belonged. But two days later I accidently hit myself in the face while turning myself around in the sleeping bag. Totally my fault should not have gone to a larp that soon after. It ended up looking worse than ever. I hated it. SO MUCH.

A few month later I went to a plastic surgeon to see if I could get it fixed. Luckily my breathing also got affected by the right shifting of my nose, so my insurance covered the surgery and I only had to pay 500 extra for the bump being shaved off.

I was furious about my friend breaking my nose and being a douche about it too,

but that was my chance for my nose to finally look nice again.

The second surgery, the big surgery was painful. Recovery was a bitch. Couldn't breathe through my nose for over 2 weeks and I looked like I just lost a boxing match. Also it didn't feel right for over a year.  Even now 2 years later it feels a little weird when the sun shines on it.

I LOVE MY NEW NOSE

It doesn't look perfect. But it finally is straight. 

All my weird behaviour just stopped. I no longer get bullied for it. I no longer look in the mirrow and hate myself.

I still have things about myself it don't like and I wanna get fixed. The nose was the worst though.

Sadly I don't have any before pictures because I never let anyone photograph me from the side.