Happy New Year!

Yay. Finally it's the time that this horrific year comes to an end. It wasn't all bad but it certainly was one of thw worst.
Let's hope and pray that 2014 can only get better. 

Happy New Year to you all !!

Oh Happy Time

I hadn't had a good nights sleep what feels like in years but it'S only been 2 maybe 3 weeks. I am constantly so exhausted I could just fall asleep right on the spot. But the pain makes me wakeup just a few minutes later. Damn you joint pains and back pain, now that I don't get total breakdowns at night no more you are keeping me up. My body just doesn't feel like it can handle a lot more sleep deprivation.

Little Projects

I Have a few minor projects going on. This is the outcome so far:

My first "project" was just repainting and decorating an old box my sister and I used to store our craft stuff in. Now I store all my sewing supplies in it and I think it also quite easy on the eye :D

Uh yeah and I am super proud of this one. I took my SuperDrive out and put it a case and replaced it with a SSD. I hardly ever use the SuperDrive and if I really need to well I still can :D

This project is not finished though. There is more yet to come.

 

At least I kept myself busy the past days. Now that I think of it there is one more thing I wanna share with the world. I ain't a good example  but here it goes:

A professor showed this to us the other day. I think it is insanely funny but woos so creepy.

What I actually wanted to say was xD ok let's be serious for a moment. I am sick but even though the past days have been really good. I see light again and motivation. I stopped taking Mirtazapin. I still take Fluexetin and Opipromol. I have reagular therapy appointments starting next week and an end is not yet on the horizon. But it looks like I finally get "back on track".

It's Green Day but nevertheless !!

This reminds me of old times. No good times, well a little too but not really. You know nostalgia gets me.

Just thought to myself  that maybe I just immigrate to the U.S. . It's weird but I always felt that among all those crazy people I don't seem quite as insane. I felt like I didn't stand out that much. Well of course I felt like a stranger and I don't feel secure enough to really go and live there for the rest of my life. I guess I am just seeking yet another last adventure again.

Last time at the clinic

Today was the last day I had an appointment at the clinic. I hope I'll never have to go there again. Clinics = not my thing !

Spent the night at a friends apartment. And this is what I woke up to:

Oh don't you just love the fog? I think it's so super pretty. Makes me day dream a lot.

Though I felt like the day was going pretty ok, I felt like a had a giant knot in my chest. It almost hurt.
And I had a few minor panic attacks, but nothing really worth mentioning.

Tomorrow I will be taking a new medication for the first time. I am switching my night meds from Mirtazapin to Opipromol. Hope that helps better.

That's what I am talking about!

A friend sent me this picture a few days ago and it perfectly displays how misunderstood I feel.
I have actually heard all of those numerous times and it hurts me that most people don't get that I am trying my best but depression just controls me more than I do a lot of times.

Other than that I had a real good talk with a psycho therapist today. She really motivated me and gave me hope that I will be able to control my panic attacks one day since she only ever became a psycho therapist because she went through all the same as I do. I felt very understood today. :)

St Nikolaus

Here in Germany we celebrate St Nikolaus day on the 6th of December. Some already do on the fifth. It was a good day. I had fun at University and I even got back together with my family.

I missed my training again though due to the celebration which is quite sad for me since I already missed it last week. But oh well, there is a long knife seminar tomorrow i am attending. so i still get a little training after all.

Well here have some pictures of yesterday:

Uni life is in fact quite exhausting! 

Also the cuts on my arm and my ankle are healing fine and quick. The anti scarring gel is doing it's work  pretty well. :D

Dream Day

Kept myself busy till this afternoon and though the day is not quite over, I feel that it's been a good day.
I have been day dreaming for the past hour, imagining my future kids and the house we will live.
Such happy thoughts. I am even motivated to do a little bit more studying now.
Over all my thoughts I forgot to take my medication. Damn!
But oh well, I did not them today, did I ?

I am feeling the urge to be crafty and christmassy :D
Really wanna do this beautiful wreath from http://www.caffeinatedarmywife.com .

Here I go .. Day 1 yet again!

If admitting it and getting professional help is half the way,
then I should be at 80%, right?
But I am not.

Days I did not cut myself : 1,7
Let's keep this up!

Happy thought of the day: My new ssd and adapter kit are on the way.

Shi**y thought of the day: one to many too count and just about enough to handle for now

I got to the stage that I no longer care if people see me suffer
or well, the stage I am no longer able to hide it from anybody.

Welcome to my life in fear and panic of preeeeheeetty much anything and everything!

I gotta get out and get some air. I am telling you, it makes me sick that the people 'closest' to me don't get how much I need a few minutes of their time.