I want to die.
I am in too much pain.

.

I am sad. Real sad. Call it devastated. Call it destroyed.
I have no home to go back to where I can feel safe.
The closest thing I have to a home is a green couch 8700 km away.

I have myself constantly questioning where I wanna go, what I wanna do.
I am scared to go away to somewhere I do not know anybody.
But does it make a difference? The people I love are already so so far away most of the time.
What's the difference if I put a few hundred more kilometres between us?

I feel unworthy of the people taking care of me.
And I am angry at those pretending to care for me.

I feel like I am taking advantage of all the people around me.
It seems to me that there is nothing I can give back to those who are always there for me.

I am torn apart between what I feel is reality and what I think is reality.
And my feelings are usually the winner of the match.
They cloud my perception. They distort my view. They hit my skull with a hammer.
Until I believe that what I feel must be true.

I am struggling to keep my helmet on.

This is the year of more

The year of more of everything !!

Especially more make up xD :D

I think I already applied more make up than the entire last year :D

Oh, don't pretend that life is so hard !

I remember that when I was fresh out of the clinic I spend more time with one of my friends.
I asked him for help, well not really, I asked if I could just be around him so I would not be alone.

He agreed happily.

So I spend a day at their apartment and keep in mind at that time I sighed a lot.
I had a lot to sigh about. I had just reached the lowest low so far and was gathering all my energy to climb out of that hole.

So I sigh again. We were out grocery shopping for him.
All of a sudden he turns around and tells me:

Oh, don't pretend that life is so hard !

For a moment I could not even believe what he just said.
There was no way I could talk back, I was baffled.
Had I not called him crying from my room in the clinic?
Had I not explained that in fact life was that hard for me, especially around that time.
Had he not said that he understands very well since someone in his family too struggled with depression.

I already felt like I was  learning to walk again.
After that I felt even more crushed into tiny pieces.

Monochrome

Bleak is the glympse through my never cleaned window

Plain is the view of the ever same roofs

Monochrome is all what I feel is yet to come

Torturing is the absence of the delicate hue that so joys my soul

I clouded my stream of conscious thought

I hit it with a hammer 

I threw it into a fort

So I stand here

Regretful

I stand here 

Alone

All the things are monochrome

Good Day Bad Night

I am breaking down right now

I had a good day. I got 1/3 or maybe even half of what I wanted to do done.

Now that I go to bed I break down.
I cry water and snot, wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I am panicking so hard over how I am unable to finish my applications for my masters degree,
I feel like a this huge pile of disappointment.
Good for nothing.

But I don't wanna be that.
I wanna strife.

I try to hard to work myself through the chaos of the application process.
Which probably might not be so hard for other people or is it? I don't know what normal is?
Everytime I try I break down. It is too much for me.

I know that it is perfectly ok to just focus on my last three finals now. Then apply for a job then go get my masters degree a year later.
But something in my does not want to accept that. It hates me for failing. I hate me for failing.

The something tells me that I am such a nothing, that my parents and everyone for that matter think that I am a mistake , a failure , a good for nothing.

I started college when I was 19. Month I am turning 25 and I not finished yet.
I feel like puking when I think about it.

My constant fear and panic make me fail and as a result of that I fail again and again and again.

I wonder if there really is a way out of this.


I am still so beat about what my therapist said. I am already so beat about what any other person might say about my costant failing, I can not even begin to calm down.


I wanna live. I wanna live big.
But I fear that one day one of these break downs will kill me.

Guessing Game

Lovable

Beautiful

Caring

Understanding

Intelligent

Patient

Tasteful

Calm 

Humble

A truly Gentle Soul !

A little something

I want to cut into my flesh

I want to peel off my skin

to reveal what lays within

I want to embrace the darkness 

that pools in my veins

I want to scratch off the scab in my brains

------------------------------------------------------

I am longing for a better state of mind

But apparently I am trying not hard enough

That is what the therapist said this morning

I am trying as hard as I can

Am I really that weak that not even the therapist can see my effort?

There are 100 steps I can take

and I take 101 every day I go to bed and am still alive

Maybe one day I will take 102 or 115 steps or even 130

Every day I go out and hang out among people

Every time  I call an office

I challenge my fears

All things I like have me facing my fears

All the festivals, larps, dark nights, travelling and many other things

They are all outside. In the light of brutality, the light of the world I fear.

Is that not facing my fears?

I do my best

I promise

I know I hang out in bed a lot and people seem to think therefore I am lazy

and maybe I am 

But never is there a day when I do not try my best not to freak the fuck out

Had I given up 

I would be dead !!