Good Day Bad Night

I am breaking down right now

I had a good day. I got 1/3 or maybe even half of what I wanted to do done.

Now that I go to bed I break down.
I cry water and snot, wishing I had the courage to end my life.

I am panicking so hard over how I am unable to finish my applications for my masters degree,
I feel like a this huge pile of disappointment.
Good for nothing.

But I don't wanna be that.
I wanna strife.

I try to hard to work myself through the chaos of the application process.
Which probably might not be so hard for other people or is it? I don't know what normal is?
Everytime I try I break down. It is too much for me.

I know that it is perfectly ok to just focus on my last three finals now. Then apply for a job then go get my masters degree a year later.
But something in my does not want to accept that. It hates me for failing. I hate me for failing.

The something tells me that I am such a nothing, that my parents and everyone for that matter think that I am a mistake , a failure , a good for nothing.

I started college when I was 19. Month I am turning 25 and I not finished yet.
I feel like puking when I think about it.

My constant fear and panic make me fail and as a result of that I fail again and again and again.

I wonder if there really is a way out of this.


I am still so beat about what my therapist said. I am already so beat about what any other person might say about my costant failing, I can not even begin to calm down.


I wanna live. I wanna live big.
But I fear that one day one of these break downs will kill me.